A few years ago, I attended a bad party. It wasn’t spoiled by any dramatic scenes. Nobody got too drunk. No fights broke out. No one cried. The thing just never really got off the ground.

Guests stood around the edges of the party, both hands wrapped around their tall cans, speaking only to the people they came with. An hour in, people were getting restless and talking about how they would get home. Would they Uber? Would they take the TTC? Some even mentioned bars nearby where they might go and drink (instead of at this party.)

The hosts were friendly and well-liked by everyone in attendance. But that didn’t matter; their party was a flop. I knew why, and was dying to do something about it. At this party, every single overhead light in the house was turned on. Conviviality cannot survive dentist office-like conditions.

It strikes me that the answer to what separates a party with immaculate vibes from one without lies in the sensory. In order to lower their guard and enter the party-flow state, guests need to feel only selectively perceived. The optimal party atmosphere, that of an opulent cave, offers the sensory conditions most conducive to losing yourself in the night.


As a high-sensitivity girlie, these environmental cues are as apparent to me as the other guests at the party. 

A note on being a judgemental party guest: maybe don’t? A gracious guest takes the party as it is. These days, the moment I cross the threshold of someone’s home, I feel a responsibility to bring my best spirit of gratitude for the vulnerable thing that it is to open up your home and hospitality to others. 

However, I did not always feel this way. At the ill-fated overhead light party, I had the arrogance to try and fix the party while it was in being. I slid around the walls of my friend’s home, examining light switches for a dimmer function. Had I been able to dim, my plan was that I would lower it so gradually that nobody would consciously notice but, by measures, the energy at the party would improve. No dimmers. I gave up on subtlety, but not my mission to fix my friends’ party. 

Mortifyingly, I pulled one of the hosts aside and explained that their party was in danger and that the thing we needed in order to save it was…lamps! Now this is outrageous behavior, I know, but can you just take in for a moment that in the whole space where the party was happening (kitchen, dining room, living room) there were no lamps. My friends just chill…in their living room…with the overhead fucking lights on?! They sit at the table…at night…with the brightest overhead lighting…and can still manage to eat food?!

“Thank god I’m here to help this poor defenceless party,” I thought, with a self-importance that makes my toes curl.

The host immediately ran upstairs and returned with all the bedside reading lamps. Then a super obvious bustle ensued as we plugged them in various places and turned all the overhead lights off, creating a really jarring mood change. During this bustle, the other host was like “What are you doing?” and the one I had told about the lamps said “Nicole said it was too bright in here and in order to fix the party we needed to bring down the lamps.” When I heard it come out of his mouth, I knew. I had deeply overstepped. And though the party did improve after we changed the lighting, I would never behave like this again. 

Which is all to say that the below environmental tips are FOR HOSTS ONLY. Guests are not responsible for fixing or course-correcting a party they are not hosting and in fact it is so rude to try and do so. Once you cross the threshold of someone’s home as a guest, the party you find is the party. Your only job is to be your sparkly self. 

Though the party did improve, I would never behave like this again

Okay hosts, now I am talking to you. Your guests know to act right and not judge you or your home. So that’s taken care of. As you are preparing to host parties this holiday season, I would encourage you to consider the sensory, just as you would the snacks or drinks. Being mindful of the environment pays dividends towards a magical and memorable party.

Body Scan, The Party Edition

This is a trick you can use pre-party or mid-party if you feel like the vibe is off. Turn your attention to being present in your body within the party space. Visit each of your senses and ask them, what are you noticing?

~ Are the lights too bright? Too focused in one area? Is it too dark? A dimmer party is best, but if you have guests with visual impairment, consider having different lighting in different areas to accommodate them, as well as other guests’ desire to feel unobserved.

~ Is the music too loud? Quiet? Music with heavily articulated lyrics can create sensory overwhelm causing people to feel socially inhibited. It feels like there is one guy at the party talking louder than everyone else. Some jazz even feels like this if it is quite horn-heavy. Try switching to something more diffused if you think this might be the issue. 

~ Feel the temperature in the room. Is it getting too warm? Open a window. (LOL, thank god I was here to tell you this one.)

~ Are you serving only wine or a very sweet punch? This can cause people to become sluggish or tired earlier because of a sugar headache. Consider having a fresher cocktail option available as well as appealing non-alc ones to ensure people don’t call it early due to sugar wine overload.

~ Don’t burn a scented candle during the party. People are weird with smells. If you love a scented candle, burn it prior to the party start and blow it out as you see the first guest approaching. I like to burn Paine’s cedar incense because it is literally just cedar, no perfume-y elements at all. It creates a really cozy atmosphere and I have never met a person who didn’t like it.

The Geography of Party 

A party often lives or dies depending on the geography of its environment. Pre-party, consider your layout. Rooms where the seats are all against the wall are less conducive to great party vibes. It causes people to sit in a weird circle and talk across to each other, which means they will never start speaking confidentially or drop their guard. A fully united party is actually not the goal. You want your environment to encourage breakout conversations because this is how people feel most socially liberated. Consider if there is a way to create several nooks within the party room. This can usually be achieved by shifting accent chairs a bit.

People’s tendency to hang out in the kitchen is actually a demonstration of this preference for forming sub-parties within the party. If you have a larger or more open-concept party space, consider adding another “kitchen.” Is there another area where you could have a small bar setup and arrangements of snacks? That’s another nook right there.

Outside is Still Party 

If you have an outside space, people are going to party there. They will go to get air or smoke cigarettes or fall in love by the light of the moon. Be as thoughtful about this area as any other in the party. Decorate it with a strand of lights. Source a cute vintage ashtray. Place an ice bucket with some bottles of wine out there for al fresco refills. People will wear their coats outside but may want to sit and chill if there is seating. Drape heavy wool blankets over the backs of chairs to make them comfortable in doing this.

Consider a Coatroom 

I love a coatroom. I love to park my coat somewhere nice where I know it will have other coat friends to talk to. A bedroom with piles of coats on a bed is also a nice quiet place to have a private conversation in between cigarettes or before leaving the party. So consider tidying up a bedroom for this purpose. Don’t worry, guests having cheeky sex on the pile of coats only happens in the movies. 

Finally and most importantly… 

Now that you’ve read this, please still invite me to things. I am not high maintenance, I swear.

~

Nicole Elsasser is a decorated party guest and author of the Substack Pleats No Please. Also, she is a co-founder of Baa Baazaar!